Jupiter Aligns With Mars
by Red Witch
Summary: Cheryl convinces the gang to participate in a New Age ritual.


**The moon in the seventh house has the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some random craziness I came up with while having nothing to do one night. What else am I going to do when there's nothing on TV?**

 **Jupiter Aligns With Mars **

"Of all the stupid, stupid, stupid things we have done," Lana sighed as she sat on the blanket wearing a headdress with a green crystal on it. "And we have done a **lot** of stupid things. Extremely stupid things. This stupid thing is…Well I'd have to say in the top fifteen."

"That low?" Pam asked. She had a headdress with a white crystal on her head.

"Well this doesn't involve fire or weapons so…" Ray shrugged. He had a headband on with a gold crystal on it. "At least it's not violent."

"Not yet," Cheryl said cheerfully. She had a headdress with a red crystal on it.

"Hey at least it's a night out," Krieger pointed out. His crystal was purple in his headband.

Cyril was also there with a blue crystal in his headband. "Krieger, sitting out in the desert for some weird new age ritual Cheryl came up with because she was bored isn't exactly my idea of a fun night out."

"Okay A, this is technically **not** the desert," Cheryl spoke up. "It's one of my houses **near** the desert. It's desert adjacent."

"And it has a full bar and a pool," Pam added. "Which we're sitting next to." She indicated the lavish pool nearby.

"And B," Cheryl said. "I did not make up this whole ritual! This is how you are supposed to communicate with your higher selves and or past lives on the astral plane during certain harmonic conversion events. As detailed in the Secret Book of Alvis!"

"The Secret Book of _What_?" Ray did a double take.

"We're doing a ritual based on a chipmunk cartoon?" Cyril asked.

"Not Alvin!" Cheryl spat out. " **Alvis!** "

"Wait," Ray realized. "Isn't that that weird cult that came out of the old prairie days based on liquor and revenge?"

"What's so weird about that?" Krieger asked.

"Yeah…" Cheryl shrugged. "Okay here's the deal. Technically Tunts are only Christian for legal reasons. And because we really like Christmas because it totally rocks. But most Tunts are secretly poly-religious."

"Poly-religious?" Lana asked. "And that means…?"

"Exactly what it sounds like," Cheryl shrugged. "We just took the best parts of a whole bunch of other religions and mixed it up into one big secret Tunt religion. And don't bother asking the name of it because we just can't figure out what to call it. But since it's a secret religion it's just as well so…"

"So you believe in the Book of Alvis?" Ray asked.

"Not all of it," Cheryl said. "Only the liquor and revenge parts."

"How do you know about this Book of Alvis?" Lana asked.

"I have a few distant cousins that are Alvians," Ray winced. "We don't talk about them much."

"I get where you're coming from. I have some cousins that are strictly Alvians too," Pam nodded. "Total nut jobs. But they do throw bitching parties with lots of alcohol and ham."

"Only reason my Daddy's side of the family didn't totally disavow them," Ray nodded.

"Do we really want to know…?" Cyril sighed.

"Not really," Pam sighed.

"I will take your word on that," Cyril sighed.

"It's best you do," Ray nodded.

"So you three have relatives that worship a religion based on liquor and revenge?" Lana sighed.

"This explains so much," Cyril added.

"It still doesn't explain what we're doing here!" Lana snapped. "Looking like understudies for Le Cage Aux Folles!"

"I **told** you," Cheryl let out a groan of annoyance. "We're communicating with our higher selves using the harmonic convergence of planetary alignment."

"Isn't that some kind of New Age hippy dippy crap?" Pam asked.

"Writings about Harmonic Convergence and alignment of the planets are thousands of years old!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "It's not my fault that hippies caught onto it before mainstreamers."

"You know the only reason I'm doing this is the five hundred dollars you paid me," Lana sighed. "In advance."

"Followed by the other five hundred dollars you will pay us **after** this is over," Cyril added.

"It's totally worth it," Cheryl waved.

"And we've done a lot **worse** for a lot less," Ray added.

"Tell me about it," Lana groaned. "Let's just not tell Mallory about this."

"Yeah like I'd let her bring me down," Cheryl waved.

"Are you sure this ritual is…safe?" Pam asked.

"Relax Pam, it's fine!" Cheryl scoffed. "It's only a past life regression. We're not going to open a portal to Hell or let loose a wave of Chinese vampires."

"First of all," Lana said. "There are no Chinese vampires."

"How do **you** know that?" Pam asked.

"Because B," Lana explained. "There are **no such things** as vampires, period!"

"Again," Pam said. "How do **you** know that?"

"It's just common freaking sense!" Lana barked.

"Oh?" Pam asked. "You mean like it's **common sense** there are no such things as Nazi clones? Or mutant clones? Or cyborgs? Or robot cyborgs? Or shrink rays?"

"Technically there aren't any shrink rays **now,"** Cyril said. "But on the other things…Pam does have a point Lana."

"We have seen a lot of weird shit over the years," Ray nodded.

"But Chinese vampires aren't one of them because there **aren't any!"** Lana barked. "They just don't exist!"

"You mean a jiangshi?" Krieger asked. "AKA a Hopping Corpse."

"What?" Lana gasped. "That's **a thing?"**

"It's totally a thing," Krieger said.

"Told you!" Pam snapped.

"She thinks vampires are just a white thing," Cheryl said to Krieger.

"Actually, in almost all cultures there are stories of the undead/vampires," Krieger said.

"See Lana Van Helsing?" Pam snapped. "Vampires are worldwide!"

"Ehh you could do better," Ray shrugged.

"Well it's not Pam's fault," Cheryl said. "Lana just doesn't have that vampire look. Now if we were talking about giant golems or Godzilla…"

"I'm going to pretend your ass is Tokyo if you keep up with the Godzilla jokes!" Lana glared at Cheryl.

"Actually Ms. Archer sounds a lot more like Godzilla," Cyril interrupted. "You know? When she's out of alcohol?"

"Oh yeah," Cheryl said. "You're right."

"She totally does," Ray nodded in agreement.

"Just for one year I'd like to go without a stupid argument about vampires!" Lana snapped.

"I'm just saying that the phenomenon of vampires can be found in almost all cultures in almost all continents," Krieger said. "Well not Antarctica obviously but other than that…"

"What about vampire penguins?" Cheryl asked.

"For the thousandth time!" Lana snapped. "There are **no such things** as vampire penguins!"

"How would that work anyway?" Cyril asked. "Penguins don't have teeth. They have beaks."

"But some penguins do have barbed tongues," Cheryl pointed out.

"That's not the same thing," Ray said.

"Well it's close enough," Cheryl said.

"No, it's not!" Ray snapped.

"Yes, it is," Cheryl said.

"No, it's not!" Ray told her.

"Again, there are no such things as vampire **penguins!"** Lana snapped. "So, the point is moot!"

"Some birds do have ridges in their bills that count as teeth…" Pam said. "Like some kinds of geese…"

"MOOT PAM!" Lana shouted. "The point is **moot!"**

"All right! Jesus!" Pam groaned.

"No more stupid talk about vampire penguins! Okay?" Lana snapped.

"Fine!" Pam rolled her eyes.

"Good!" Lana sighed.

Cyril thought. "I could see vampire walruses but not vampire penguins."

"Cyril!" Lana barked.

"Well they do have huge tusks Lana!" Cyril said.

"He's got a point," Pam said.

"NO MORE VAMPIRE ANIMALS!" Lana shouted. "No animals are vampires and yes Krieger I know about the bats and yes Cheryl technically mosquitoes can be considered vampire like because they suck blood but there are no **actual** vampire animals because there are **no vampires!** PERIOD!"

Krieger paused. "We've had this argument before, haven't we?"

" **Several times!"** Lana snapped. "I could have flashbacks of all the damn times we've argued about vampires! But I don't want to talk about vampires so **shut up**!"

Pam paused. "What about werewolves?"

" _Seriously?"_ Cheryl and Lana snapped at the same time.

"I already had one stupid werewolf scare because of you people!" Cheryl snapped.

"You scared us because you got so drugged up you thought you were a werewolf!" Lana snapped at her.

"Well with all the werewolf talk can you blame me?" Cheryl asked.

"Yes! Yes, I **can!** " Lana snapped.

"Can we just go and do whatever the hell we're **supposed** to be doing?" Ray snapped. "Before Lana has an aneurism?"

"Lame…" Cheryl made a raspberry. "Fine!"

"So why do you really want to do this?" Pam asked. "It can't be for some religious reason."

"It's not," Cheryl nodded. "I want to connect with my past life!"

"Honey no offense," Ray looked at her. "But you're barely in contact with your **present one."**

"That's because it **sucks** right now!" Cheryl groaned. "Guys you are not going to believe this! In a past life…I was an Amazon warrior!"

Lana paused. "You're right. We don't believe it."

"Have you been talking to that old gypsy woman again?" Pam asked.

"No, this time I called my Cousin Caroline Tunt-Farnsworth-Wigglesmith-Vandermark," Cheryl explained. "She's the one that's been married three times. All her husbands died so she went crazy and moved out to this hippie commune in Connecticut somewhere."

"Weren't most of them over eighty?" Pam asked.

"Only one of them," Cheryl said. "The second one. The first one was seventy and died of a heart attack while playing squash. The second one died on the honeymoon of organ failure. And the third one was the tennis pro she was fooling around with on the second one."

"How did he die?" Ray asked.

"Turns out texting and piloting a speedboat is just as dangerous as texting and driving in a car," Cheryl shrugged.

"Important life lesson," Pam nodded.

"I mean losing the first two husbands wasn't as much a shock as it was losing the third one," Cheryl told them. "That's why she went nuts and joined up with a bunch of crazy people at a commune."

"As opposed to **you** ," Cyril looked at her. "Who joined up with a group of spies/ drug dealers/detectives?"

"Yeah but you're not hippies," Cheryl pointed out.

"Really?" Ray asked. " **That's** where you draw the line?"

"If your cousin is so crazy then why are you listening to her?" Lana asked.

"Because being a crazy hippie she's an expert on harmonic convergence," Cheryl waved. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Stupid question," Lana sighed.

"Yes," Cheryl nodded. "It was."

"Are we going to jump right into this or…?" Pam asked.

"Well it should be time," Cheryl looked out. "The moon is in the seventh house."

"And Jupiter aligns with Mars," Ray quipped.

"You study astrology too?" Cheryl asked.

"Just taking a guess," Ray sighed. "So what exactly are we supposed to do?"

"Oh, it's easy," Cheryl waved. "We just hold hands in a circle and hold them up and call out to the universe to fill us up with knowledge. And by us, I mean me."

"Couldn't you do that by simply opening up a **book?** " Cyril quipped.

"Not _book knowledge_ , smart ass!" Cheryl snapped. "Cosmic knowledge! The kind you don't find in books but by opening yourself to the universe."

"Wouldn't it be easier if you just opened up a bottle of scotch?" Pam asked.

"I'm with her," Ray pointed to Pam.

"Look I'm trying to connect with my past self to gain wisdom about my future!" Cheryl snapped.

"You should connect to a psychiatrist to gain wisdom about your **present life** ," Lana remarked.

"Oh, let's just get **on** with this!" Pam groaned. "There's five hundred more dollars on the line so…"

"Fine let's start," Cheryl said.

"You're not my supervisor," Ray quipped. "I've always wanted to say that line."

"Everyone hold hands," Cheryl instructed. "Now I'm going to start the incantation. Repeat after me. Ohwa…"

"Ohwa…" Everyone did as they were told.

"Tajer…Kiam!" Cheryl went on.

"Tajer kiam," The others repeated.

"Ohwa tajer kiam!" Cheryl said.

"Ohwa tajer kiam…"

"Ohwa tajer kiam!"

"Ohwa tajer kiam!"

"Hang on…" Lana blinked.

"Owhatajerkiam!" Cheryl cheered.

"Ohwhatajerkiam!" The others said.

"How close **exactly** are with your cousin Cheryl?" Lana asked.

"Shut up!" Cheryl snapped.

"Shut up!" Everyone one said.

"Not **that** part!" Cheryl snapped.

"Not **that** part!"

"Will you guys cool it?" Cheryl shouted.

"Will you guys cool it?"

"Fine!" Cheryl groaned. "Just let me do the next part myself."

"Fine! Just let me do the next part…"

"SHUT UP!" Cheryl snapped. Then she composed herself. "God it's hard being the smart one of the group."

She took a deep breath. "Oh, great spirit of the cosmos!" Cheryl raised her arms along with the group. "Hear your daughter's prayer! Come and fill me with your essence!"

"Phrasing," Pam called out.

"Come great spirit!" Cheryl called out. "Come on already! Give me what I want! I'm serious here! Just give it to me!"

"Very spiritual ceremony Cheryl," Cyril sighed. "Very moving."

"Come on universe!" Cheryl snapped. "You **owe** me! What have **you** given me? Nothing!"

"Nothing except a billion dollars," Lana grumbled.

"Her own freaking multi-million dollar company," Cyril grumbled.

"A skinny body to die for," Pam grumbled.

"Perfect hair I'd kill to style," Ray grumbled.

"A giant mansion that would put the Murder House to shame," Krieger added.

"Besides **that**!" Cheryl snapped. "Although **thank you** Ray about my hair! It's about time **someone** noticed!"

Cheryl cleared her throat. "Okay let me just say this next part."

"How many parts are there?" Pam asked.

"They're **shut up**!" Cheryl snapped.

"You are not my supervisor!" Pam snapped. "See? Not so nice being on the **receiving end** is it?"

"I really need to find new people to hang out with," Lana sighed.

"Me too," Cyril agreed.

Cheryl gave them all a look before she continued. "Awa…Awa…Awa…Hear me spirits! Let us commune and share our knowledge."

"And if you have any stock tips," Krieger spoke up. "That would be greatly appreciated."

"Come to me spirits! Come!" Cheryl called out. "Phrasing! Come to me!"

"Ego Artemis sarcrendos esset Amazonian lunatis!" Ray said in a strange voice. "Et multo amphia lava me?" ( _I am Artemis, priestess of the Amazons! Who summons me from the great beyond?)_

"Wait a minute…" Cheryl looked confused.

"Uh Cheryl?" Pam asked. "Are you sure that your cousin said **you'd** be the Amazon priestess?"

"Uh oh," Cheryl blinked.

"Quid agis?" Ray looked around. "Quis tu es hominum?" ( _What's going on? Who are you people?)_

"Would you mind switching over to English, Artemis?" Krieger asked. "Because most of us don't understand you. Latin has sort of turned into a dead language so…"

"Silence Male!" Ray snapped in a strange voice. He looked at the women. "Why are men in our midst?"

"Uh," Lana pointed at Ray. "Artemis…? Or whoever you are?"

Ray looked at 'himself' "Quae est infirnum!" _(What the hell?)_

"Yeaaaaaah," Pam scratched her head. "You're a guy now. A gay guy if that makes it better."

"Well I suppose this is just punishment," Ray sighed. "In my past life I had several affairs with many male warriors. So…Yeah."

"Talk about karma," Cheryl blinked. "Hang on! Wait a minute! Who are you again?"

"I am Artemis," Ray said in his strange voice. "Priestess of the Amazons. Ask me what knowledge you are seeking."

"Ray was an Amazon priestess in his past life?" Cyril blinked. "Actually, that explains a lot."

"I want a drink!" Ray screeched. "Bring me a martinus!"

"Don't you mean a martini?" Pam blinked.

"If I wanted a double I would have **asked** for it!" Ray screamed.

"Hang on!" Cheryl snapped. "I'm supposed to be the Amazon priestess here! Not the Southern Queen!"

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful," Ray fluffed his hair.

"That's **my line!"** Cheryl snapped.

"I'm pretty sure someone else said it first," Krieger remarked.

"Uh Artemis," Lana coughed. "Or whoever you are. Is there any wisdom you would like to share with us?"

"Yes," Ray said. "Never give up on your dreams. Just keep on sleeping."

"Okay…" Lana blinked.

"I have more advice," Ray went on. "Never joke with a kleptomaniac. They will take it. Literally."

"That's happened a lot with some of my relatives," Cheryl admitted.

"Always pay in advance," Ray added. "Especially when you're drinking to forget."

"Sound advice for **this group** ," Krieger quipped.

"When nothing goes right," Ray went on. "Go left."

"That is sound advice," Cheryl gasped. "Maybe **you** are a priestess?"

"You bet your sweet bippy I am," Ray told her. "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!"

"This is advice some of my interns should have followed," Krieger admitted.

"Never make snow angels in a dog park," Ray went on. "You'll get everything you want in life if you just lower your expectations."

"Learned to do **that** a long time ago," Cyril sighed. "About the first week I met this group."

"Never test the depth of a river with both feet," Ray told them. "Use someone else's!"

"Wise," Cheryl nodded. "Very wise."

"An apple a day will keep the doctor away," Ray said. "Unless the doctor's hot. Then skip the apples and make all the damn appointments you can!"

"This explains some of the problems in the health care industry," Pam quipped.

"Don't come crying to your mother when you meet a man in a saloon and he ends up a drunk," Ray went on. "Better to look a gift horse in the mouth then get caught looking in the other end."

"That actually happened to my cousin Cowboy Curtis Tuntrider," Cheryl said.

"Save the story of How the West Was Lost for another time Cheryl," Lana groaned.

"Don't drink Hater-Aide," Ray added. "Drink scotch instead."

"Way ahead of you," Krieger took out a flask.

"Never miss a good chance to shut up," Ray added.

"Advice this group should have taken **years ago** ," Cyril groaned.

"Never agree to meet with a vampire at midnight," Ray added.

"Again," Lana looked around. "How did this get to be a **thing** with us?"

"Never call a unicorn Horny," Ray quipped.

"You can call **me** horny," Pam spoke up. "You can call me anytime actually."

"You cannot be judge, jury and executioner," Ray added. "Pick one and stick with it."

"Very sound advice," Cheryl nodded.

"Whatever you do always give it a hundred percent," Ray went on. "Unless you're giving blood."

"I wish someone told me that at the beginning of my science career," Krieger remarked.

"If the shoe fits," Ray added. "Get one in every color."

"Like we didn't know **that one,"** Lana looked at the other women.

"Never tell a rabbit you have a garden," Ray went on. "Likewise, never put a garden next to a rabbit farm."

"That reminds me," Cyril blinked. "I wonder how Len Trexler is doing?"

"I wonder how Rabbert Klein is doing?" Krieger wondered. "And his brother, the lettuce."

"Something tells me the lettuce was made into bunny salad a long time ago," Pam told him.

"Aww," Krieger pouted. "Lettuce-y."

"More like Head of Hopper," Cyril quipped.

Ray looked at Lana. "You should invest in new friends. And a pantsuit."

"I know right?" Cheryl giggled.

"Take it from me," Ray said. "Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out of it alive."

"Nice comforting thoughts," Lana groaned.

"Never walk on the ice with hands in your pockets," Ray went on.

"I learned that when I was three," Pam waved. "Tell me something I don't know."

Ray looked at her. "Just because waffles are basically pancakes with abs doesn't mean they will give you abs."

"Burn," Pam frowned.

"Celebrate your birthday every year," Ray said. "You never know when it will be your last. Plus, it beats the alternative."

Ray then looked at Cheryl. "Especially you. Seriously woman. Lay off the drugs, booze and glue for a bit. There's a lot of people who acted like you in the afterlife."

"Then I'll have plenty of people to party with," Cheryl shrugged.

Ray looked at the others. "I tried. You're all witnesses. I tried to warn her."

"Look this advice is great and everything," Cheryl waved. "But I want more. I want enlightenment! I want the complete and total bliss of knowledge of the universe!"

"Are you **sure**?" Ray blinked.

"Uh yeah," Cheryl pouted. "Let me have it!"

"You're really sure you want it?" Ray asked.

"Yes!" Cheryl snapped. "I want it! Let me **have it!"**

"Okay," Ray shrugged and went over to Cheryl. He knelt down next to her. "Just remember, you **asked** for this."

"Damn right I…" Cheryl began.

THOOK!

"Did…?" Cheryl blinked as a tranquilizer dart hit her in the neck. "Oh yeah, that's the good stuff." She then passed out.

"And that is that," Ray smirked, going back to his normal voice. He had a small tranquilizer gun in his hand.

"What the hell Ray?" Lana did a double take.

"And the Oscar goes to…" Krieger motioned to Ray.

"What the hell is going on?" Lana barked.

"Krieger, Ray and I came up with the whole thing," Pam waved. "FYI Cousin Caroline died years ago. Cheryl took me to the funeral. That was a weird weekend."

"I know," Krieger said. "I was still dating her at the time and was with you two. Literally."

"What do you mean by **literally?** " Cyril blinked. "Never mind! I just figured it out!"

"I have to give Cheryl's friends credit for having an orgy at the funeral repast," Pam grinned. "And some primo chronic!"

"That really was a weird weekend," Krieger nodded as he removed the dart from Cheryl's neck.

"Any-who," Pam waved. "Cheryl always forgets which relatives died and which are still alive so it was easy to set this whole thing up with a phone call and a fake accent. And since Ray knows Latin, he was the perfect choice to be the Amazon priestess."

"The one time it **does** come in handy," Ray nodded. "Well that and solving crossword puzzles."

"Plus we're nowhere near the real harmonic convergence," Pam waved. "That's at least six months from now. Again, Cheryl has no sense of time whatsoever."

"The **real** …?" Cyril blinked. "Never mind."

"Why…?" Lana blinked. "Why did you **do** this?"

"Well for one thing it's funny as hell," Ray chuckled.

"I'll give you that," Lana snickered at the sight of an unconscious Cheryl.

"Two it was an excuse for me to use my Latin," Ray added. "Three…It's Cheryl. She once stabbed me."

"I get that," Lana said. "So…"

"So," Krieger pulled out a small pill. "I give Cheryl a little Forget Me Now. That coupled with all the booze and other drugs she consumed will ensure that she doesn't remember a thing."

"You really think that will work?" Cyril asked.

"She doesn't remember being a country music star, does she?" Pam asked.

"WHAT?" Lana and Cyril gasped.

"Let's just say we put a few purchases on her credit card during that time," Pam shrugged as Krieger gave Cheryl the pill. "But we didn't have to use as much of the drug as we thought."

"She already had a great deal of memory loss due to the glue sniffing and the groovy bears and other stuff," Krieger shrugged.

"Apparently Cheryl has a habit of having blank spells and spending a lot," Pam shrugged.

"And now we have her credit cards," Ray took them from Cheryl's purse.

"There's a really bitchin' mall just down the road," Pam said. "And we have a few hours before they close."

"Plenty of time to get new clothes," Krieger nodded. "And a few other items. Mostly video games."

"And we're also going to hit the ATM and pull out a few thousand for each of us so…" Pam added.

"So basically, we're going to rob her and blame it on one of her blank spells?" Lana sighed. "Do you know what that is?"

"Do you and your kid want to **eat** this week?" Pam looked at her.

"I was going for irony but that too," Lana shrugged.

"Lana you're **okay** with this?" Cyril gasped. "You're okay with them stealing from our friend Cheryl?"

Lana gave Cyril a look. "You mean Cheryl, the crazy insulting bitch who has **lied** to us and **insulted us** and got us into an enormous amount of **trouble** over the years? Including recently lying to the police and letting me get arrested for murder. And being responsible for all of us getting arrested due to the Double Indecency Incident."

Cyril paused. "You know I could use a new suit."

"I'll get Adrian to tailor you a good one," Pam said. "Adrian is a personal tailor I know at Nordstrom's. He's great."

"You've done this before, haven't you?" Lana asked as Pam picked up Cheryl.

"At least a couple times a year," Pam shrugged. "Started right after she got me kidnapped and had the shit beaten out of me in her place. I just have to put her in her sex harness and we'll be good to go."

"Her **what?"** Lana gasped.

"Don't ask," Ray groaned.

"I think I'd better not," Lana sighed. "This is the real reason you don't want Mallory in on this is it?"

"Duh!" Pam rolled her eyes.

"Oh I get it," Cyril said. "When she comes to she'll think she hired a couple of male prostitutes who took her credit cards. Got it."

"Exactly," Pam nodded.

"I so have to get better friends," Lana groaned.

"Yeah but for now we'll make do with the crazy one who has unlimited charge cards," Ray grinned. "Damn it. Now I really do need a martini."


End file.
